Arriving in Hell earlier this morning, paedophile Rolf Harris has been advised that he will spend the rest of eternity locked in a padded cell listening to Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport on loop.
“Welcome to Hell!” Satan proclaimed, explaining how the next two hundred trillion years will unfold.
“We’ll put on Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport, and randomly intersperse it with that agonisingly bad song Jake The Peg. That’ll take care of the first few million years. Then we’ll switch to a recording of you doing those weird fucking noises with your mouth and put that on loop for a trillion years. And then we’ll finish up with a few million centuries of the wobble board, the most annoying sound in the world! And then we’ll go back to the start again. How does that sound? Oh yeah, forgot to mention that you’ll have the didgaridoo you used to play inserted up your anus. Ok, show him to his room please!”
Human rights activists have described the plan as ‘torture’ and ‘unusually cruel’. “We think it’s perfect,” one activist said.